| A Self -Test |
|
|
|
What follows is a self-test – a test of you, by you. It's one way to rate your EI (emotional intelligence). This takes a while to complete, so wait until you have some leisure time before doing it. The test demands you think about yourself and your life. That may be hard. For if, in thinking, you reach conclusions you don’t like, that’s painful. It’s easier just to avoid the thinking. But know this: Of all the thoughts you have in life, none are more important than those you have about yourself – the thoughts that govern you, and regulate your life. With this test, you can learn how balanced your thinking is, how centered you are. And that's a measure both of your EI, and your ability to form win-win relationships. (It also indicates how resistant you are to stress, because stress and low emotional intelligence go hand-in-hand.)
Each of the 18 continua that follow will measure something about you. Rate yourself a
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Perfect people would score In fact, you could possibly be somewhat to the left of center on a certain continuum one day, and to the right of center another day. That’s okay. (It’s when you stay stuck far over to either side that your life suffers.) Just rate how you most often think about yourself.
For each continuum the ideal center position, the 1 – ASSERTIVENESS
Passive Assertive Aggressive
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You know how to be respectfully assertive and always stick up for your dignity. Left: You allow others to have their way with you at your expense. You’re a pushover. Right: With your nasty, confrontational personality, you are in-your-face obnoxious. (Scoring Guideline: A score of 2 on the left, would mean that you consider yourself to be generally a little too passive in your life, but it only creates a minor problem for you - nothing serious. A score of 5 on the right would mean you believe yourself to be overly aggressive with others, but while you don't consider that a particularly serious problem, you admit it's a moderate handicap in your life.) 2 – TRUST
Gullible Sensibly skeptical Cynical
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You’re basically trusting of people (with a healthy skepticism). Not easily fooled. Left: You’ll “buy” any story whether it’s logical or not. You’re a sucker, easy to scam. Right: You don’t believe in basic human goodness. You’re a sneering fault-finder. (Scoring Guideline: A score of 7 on the left indicates you are much too trusting, so gullible it has caused a serious problem for you. Still, you could be worse, an 8, or even a 10. On the right, a score of 8 means you have serious difficulty trusting people. You think everyone operates win-lose, where they try to win at your expense. You think you must always have your guard up, be cynical, wary, and suspicious of the good intentions of others. Probably, you have been hurt in your past. 3 – CAUTION
Ultra cautious Realistic Rash
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You assess all risks, carefully, cautiously, realistically, before jumping in. Left: You are afraid to risk anything. Far too timid. Never adventurous. You suffer from paralysis by analysis. Right: You act carelessly, taking wild risks without adequate knowledge or experience. 4 – COMMITMENT
Lacking Sensible Perfectionistic
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You are highly committed to the things you do that really matter. For the 1001 other things you do every day, you relax and give less than a supreme effort. (What’s wrong with an “average” walk in the park? It doesn't have to be your very best walk.)
Left: You are not committed to anything. Low personal standards. No drive, or ambition 5 – INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Lose-win Win-win Win-lose
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You strive for mutual benefit so that in any negotiation you both end up winning. (e.g. A salesman offers a price that won’t cheat the buyer, but renders a decent profit.) Left: You’re willing to lose – even hurt yourself – to allow the other person(s) to win. (e.g. You’ll do something harmful to yourself in order to appease or impress someone.) Right: You really want to win, so you strive to make them lose. (This is the most common scenario in our society. It’s fine in competitive sports, but destructive to interpersonal relationships.) 6 – ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
Irresponsible Responsible Too accepting
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You consistently accept suitable responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Left: You blame things external to yourself for what you think, feel, and do. (e.g. “You are responsible for my unhappiness. It’s your fault that I feel miserable.”) Right: You accept too much responsible – responsibility even for things outside your control. (Fretting about things you can’t control is life’s #1 stressor.) (e.g. A girl who blames herself when she is abused: “I’m responsible for his behavior.”) 7 – INVOLVEMENT
Inactive Happily on path Overly involved
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You feel a sense of purpose. You are enjoying life, keen about what you are doing, as busy as you want to be, and making your life count. Left: Life seems dull, uninteresting, and meaningless. You’re dying of boredom. Right: You have so much to do – so many things on your mind – that it all seems overwhelming, and you’re exhausted much of the time.
8 – OUTLOOK
Gloomy Optimistic Blind
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You can see the “good” in people and situations, and you trust life to be good. (Science shows optimists are happier, and more successful than pessimists. What you think about tends to come about.) Left: You are pessimistic, constantly complaining, and dwelling on what’s bad in life. Right:You ignore facts and don’t see real problems. You would believe the Titanic couldn’t sink even as it was going under the waves. You are divorced from reality.
9 – GUILT
Sociopathic Remorseful Unforgiving
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You feel appropriate guilt when it’s deserved, learn your lesson, forgive yourself, and get on with your life. Left: You can hurt yourself or others without feeling guilty. (When you are without empathy, without remorse, your conscience is so dulled, it’s like dead.) Right: You harbor guilt for bad choices you made long ago when you didn't know any better. You just never let it go, and continually put yourself down for whatever you did.
10 – OPENNESS
Closed Selective Always open
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: Most people are welcome inside your life most of the time, but you value your privacy and close your doors when you don’t wish to be accessible. Left: You keep your doors shut and live a lonely, hermit-like existence with no authentic attempt to entice visitors inside your life. Right: With your doors always open, everyone has free access to you whenever they wish. You don’t discriminate between people you want to be with and those you don’t. You feel used. 11 – ENJOYMENT
Grab now Delay to enjoy Delay forever
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You’re willing to sacrifice now and delay your enjoyment to reap a reward later. Left: No waiting. No delaying your gratification. You’ll accept a lesser pleasure immediately even though that means you must miss out on a greater one later. Right: You continually postpone your enjoyment on an absurd timeline. You put off seizing the reward for so long that you may never relish it.
12 – TOLERANCE
Permissive Tolerant Intolerant
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You don’t prejudge the worthiness of others without knowing them. Those you know, you accept as they are – warts and all. You are slow to criticize.
Left: Everything is tolerated. Anything goes. You don’t hold reasonable standards for what is worthy. 13 – WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU
Externally controlled Internally controlled Self-absorbed
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: What you think about yourself is of paramount importance. You have high self-esteem, a good self- image, and an excellent relationship with yourself. Still, you will duly consider what others may think. Left: How others judge you determines how you think about yourself. Their opinion of you matters more than your own opinion of you. If they say you’re stupid, you’re stupid. Right: You don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of you. Only you matter. If they think you’re unkind, too bad. You’ve no respect for anyone’s impression of you.
14 – HEALTH CONCERN
Insufficient Correct Excessive
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You practice moderation – no addictions – and you value your health enough to do your part in keeping yourself fit. Left: You neglect (abuse) yourself. You may smoke, or eat, or drink too much, or get insufficient exercise, and you know you are not as healthy as you could be. Right: You may be physically healthy, but don’t enjoy it. You are overly concerned, fearful that you must be suffering some sort of illness. Hypochondria. 15 – SELF-CONFINDENCE
Fearful Self-confident Foolhardy
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You feel a sense of certainty that you can cope with whatever life may throw your way. You approach challenge unafraid. Left: Fear comes easily because you feel basically inadequate to cope successfully. Right: Foolishly overconfident. You will assume high risk without sufficient preparation.
16 – PERSISTENCE
Surrender Persist Butt brick
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You will steadfastly persist to pursue a good goal – even in the face of obstacles. Left: You give up easily. You’ll quit quickly when confronted with a little adversity. Right: You’ll butt your head against a brick wall because you don’t know when it’s wise to stop, rethink your approach, and alter your course to move in a new direction.
17 – SELF-CARE
Door mat Self-protector Taker
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: While willing to help others, you are careful to protect your own wellness. (Taking good care of yourself enables you to help others.) Left: Without concern for your own needs, you allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Right: No sharing. You want it all for yourself. You’ll take, but not give. Greedy.
18 – STRESS
Rusting Calm Distressed
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Center: You’re peaceful and relaxed – yet enjoy the good stress that challenges bring. Left: Your life is bland, dull, insipid, uninteresting. Blah! You’re rusting away. Right: Distress is the bad, harmful kind of stress that keeps you hurried, harried, worried and tense. It wears you down, and can eventually burn you out.
SUMMARY
A number higher than 6 on any continuum justifies concern because that means you have a serious problem, at least in that one area of your life. To your credit, you recognize this. That problem may keep you from achieving a happy, balanced, well-adjusted life, because you are stressed in that area, and not as emotionally healthy as you could be. Several scores over 6, will compromise your ability to enjoy fulfilling relationships with other people. If you scored under 6 on all of the continua, your life is probably not seriously threatened by stress. If you scored under 3 on all of them, congratulations, but consider this idea: Good is the enemy of best. It means that when life is good for us, and we don’t have particular problems, we easily acquiesce and forgo the pursuit of our best selves. That’s because satisfied needs don’t motivate, so people who are reasonably satisfied with their lives tend not to bother trying to become any better. Please, know this about yourself: You have within you all the resources, and the creativity to use them, to achieve high emotioanl intelligence and a marvelous life - but only when you choose to reach for that goal.
Copyright 2012, Fraser Rose, Founder of Win-Win Relationships Inc., All Rights Reserved
|
||
on each continuum where you have no problem at all. Or, rate yourself from 1 to 10 (depending on the severity of your problem) either to the left of the