Surface Problems:  Most problems exist on the surface (others go deep). A surface problem is when a person has a solid foundation – a strong core – enabling a peaceful, pleasant, and purposeful life. What is missing is a skill – or a set of skills – in some area, the lack of which is causing a particular  problem. One example is salespeople who don't understand the difference difference between being assertive (good) or aggressive (bad).  Or parents having a relationship problem with their teenager because they have failed to find a proper balance between authoritarian and permissive discipline.    

Fighting for Control: In all kinds of interpersonal conflict (husband-wife, boss-employee, parent-teen), the main contention is often one of control. Both sides want the other to act according to an ideal image each holds. When that doesn't happen, one often tries to control and change the other by withdrawing, or nagging, or belittling, or pouting, or raging, or abusing – all counterproductive. Such strategies cause emotional distancing. The Win-Win course is about creating connection, using emotional intelligence for win-win, mutually beneficial and satisfying relationships.

Deeper Problems:

Deeper problems occur when one’s internal guidance system is out of whack. The person’s foundation needs rebuilding, at least reinforcing. Although deep problems may not be remedied quickly or easily, have no doubt of this: When the suffering person seeks help, and shows a sincere, strong desire to move to a higher level of being, the result can be life-changing.  With a fortified foundation, the person is ready for a new relationship - both with self and others.  The following conditions can result in the need for foundational change before existing relationships can improve.  The key to changing any of them is to raise your EI (your emotional intelligence).

Depression

Depression is often an unconscious retreat to escape from something that seems even worse to us – such as lashing out in a rage and assaulting someone. Or confronting a difficult situation without the ability to cope. Know this about yourself: you have all the resources residing within you – and the creativity to use them – to meet life’s challenges.   That could mean finding the courage and strength within yourself to seek professional help.  Remember, a win-win relationship (with oneself and others) can lift a depressive mood and turn sullenness to sunshine.  From this  to this

Self-esteem

Of all the thoughts you ever have, none are more important than those you have about yourself. Self-esteem (which is essential for healthy relationships) comes from one thing: the belief that you are worthy. Self-esteem has nothing to do with conceit. You can’t have too much self-esteem (just as you can’t have too much health).  We are not meant to tiptoe through life feeling rotten about ourselves.  (It has been said that despising oneself is the ultimate failure.)  If you have low self-esteem, then know this:  I would be honoured to have you participate in the win-win course.   

Stress

Excess psychological stress injures good relationships.   You can choose to do nothing (and continue to suffer).  Or you can remove yourself from the stressor  (e.g., resign from your job, or leave home, or quit school).  Or, you can learn to cope with the stress. Effective coping means knowing that while we often can’t prevent our stressors, we can always choose our responses to them.  Yes, it’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do about it that counts.  

Addictions

Whether the problems is with alcohol or to something else ruling and ruining your relationships, increasing your EI can help by building your emotional resilience, and providing both the will and the ability to resist quick, temporary fixes.